Shamer - Chapter 3 Part 3

It was exactly one week after his last visit, three days after I saw the movie.

As promised, Kiritani-sensei came to visit my house. Incidentally, both of my parents were at work today.

“Kenji-kun, I know this is fast, but did you go see the movie?”

Kiritani-sensei asked suddenly as we both sat down on the living room sofa.

“I went to see the movie. It was okay.”

“I see. I’m glad to hear that.”

Kiritani-sensei looked relieved and took a sip of the hot tea I had prepared for him.

“…Has it made you like yourself?”

“Before we talk about that… Sensei, can I ask you one thing?”

“? I don’t mind, what is it?”

I told him about something I noticed in the movie and its pamphlet.

“The Japanese actress in the movie, Nanase Rena, was by any chance the person who changed Kiritani-sensei back in high school?”

At my question, Kiritani-sensei looked a little surprised.

But then he smiled shyly.

“I guess you found out.”

“I knew it.”

Nanase-san said in the interview that she had lived her life as she was without lying to herself.

On the other hand, he himself told me that the girl in his class who changed him was also someone who was always themselves.

In addition, Kiritani-sensei happily told me that the girl in his class who changed him was now a Hollywood actress, and Nanase-san was a Hollywood actress too. This almost confirmed that she and the girl who changed him were the same person.

“So, rather than the movie that Nanase-san is in… you thought I’d like myself if I saw her, right?”

“That’s right. Nanase is most like herself when she is acting, and I like her best when she is acting like herself.”

So he thought that if I saw Nanase acting, I would like myself too.

“To be honest, I don’t think seeing Nanase-san acting would make me like myself.”

“…I see.”

Kiritani-sensei’s face turned down in disappointment.

But there was more to my story.

“But you know, Sensei, after getting to know Nanase-san, I’ve decided to stop hating myself.”

I was the one who confessed to the person whom Touya liked.

I have hated Touya, Ruri, and myself.

I still want to be best friends with Touya again.

The part of me that still loves Ruri.

I hated myself like that, but when I saw Nanase, I thought to myself, “I’ll always hate myself.”

I thought that if I kept on hating myself, it would be an escape.

So I will stop hating myself and accept everything.

I’ll admit that I’m pathetic, weak, and full of mistakes.

That’s what I thought…

“Kenji-kun…?”

Seeing me suddenly stop talking, Kiritani-sensei called my name with concern.

But I couldn’t speak right away, and after a few moments of silence, I opened my mouth.

“Kiritani-sensei, am I really doing the right thing?”

I asked in an embarrassingly weak voice.

If I could stop hating myself, if I could admit that I had been wrong, I would surely be able to move forward from where I was now.

But at the same time, if I admitted to myself that I was wrong, I would feel like I was forgiving myself for the deeds I had done up until now…

These thoughts were making my decision difficult.

“Don’t worry. Kenji-kun is not the kind of person who would allow his actions to go unchecked for his own convenience.”

When I told him everything, Kiritani-sensei said just that in a gentle tone of voice.

“…You don’t know that.”

“I do.”

Kiritani-sensei replied to my words without hesitation.

Then he continued his story.

“I’ve been going to Kenji’s house like this, and I’ve been talking with you for a long time. Still, you don’t believe me, do you?”

Kiritani-sensei asked in a confident tone.

Normally, I would not have believed anything anyone said.

That was how unsure I was of my decision.

But if he who has done so much for me says so—

“…I believe you.”

I answered, trying my best to get the word out.

“Then you can rest assured, Kenji-kun, that you can now admit that you are who you are.”

I did not speak back to him, but instead nodded my head.

And at this moment, I stopped hating myself.

I decided to admit that I was pathetic, weak, and full of mistakes.

Then, somehow, I felt a little lighter.

Perhaps this meant that I had moved forward just a little more than before.

“Also, Kenji-kun, I’d be happy if you gradually come to like yourself more, even if it’s a little.”

“Umm… I’ll try my best to do that.”

I can’t do it right now… but when I get everything sorted out in my mind, then I hope I could like myself.

“Yeah. Right now, just hearing that answer makes me happy.”

Kiritani-sensei laughed in relief. He was that concerned about me.

“Kenji-kun, now that you’ve admitted what you’ve been up to, what do you want to do from now on?”

“Well… I don’t know exactly how I can live like myself yet… but for now, I’m going to stop my current self-defeating lifestyle.”

Kiritani-sensei told me that I should live my life as I am even if I was a shut-in, but in my case, I thought that in order to live my life as I was, at least I shouldn’t stay inside the house.

—When I told Kiritani-sensei my thoughts.

“I think it’s a very good decision!”

He was very happy. I was also happy to see that, and at the same time I was a little relieved.

“Then, Kenji-kun, you are going to graduate from being a shut-in, right?”

“Yes. But I haven’t decided yet whether I will go to school or not.”

I’d like to go outside, so even if it was a part-time job, that was totally fine.

Anyway, I wanted to change my current life. Even if it was just a little bit, to move myself forward.

“I’m really glad though. That Kenji-kun became so positive like this.”

“If Kenji-kun had not felt anything when you saw Nanase, I would have been disqualified as a teacher,” Kiritani-sensei continued.

“If Kiritani-sensei was disqualified as a teacher, then all the teachers in the world would be disqualified as teachers.”

“No, that’s an exaggeration.”

“No, that’s not true. Kiritani-sensei is a good teacher.”

I said, and Kiritani-sensei scratched his head in embarrassment.

I wasn’t flattering him or anything. I really think he was a good teacher and I was grateful to him.

But I still had one question about him.

“Hey Kiritani-sensei, why did you care about me so much?”

“That’s because I’m a teacher and you’re a student, of course. Why would a teacher need a reason to help a student?”

“Maybe you don’t need one…but somehow I feel that Kiritani-sensei has other reasons.”

It was true that Kiritani-sensei was kind, so he may have taken care of me so far with the sense of helping a student in a normal way.

…But he always came to my house when he had free time, he patiently engaged me in conversation without forcing himself on me, and he even went out of his way to give me tickets to Nanase-san’s movie.

No matter how kind Kiritani-sensei is, it felt a little strange that he would go to such lengths with a mere student.

“Well…I didn’t mean to, but maybe because Kenji-kun did something I couldn’t do, it made me want to help you even more.”

“Something Sensei couldn’t do..?”

I had no idea what Kiritani-sensei meant when he said that.

When did I do something that he couldn’t do?

“I, you know, had a crush on someone in high school.”

I was a little puzzled, and then Kiritani-sensei began to speak slowly.

“I tried to confess my feelings to her on the day of our graduation ceremony. But in the end, I couldn’t confess my feelings to her.”

“Eh…Why?”

“Because she had a dream. A very big dream.”

After answering that, Kiritani-sensei continued.

“So I thought it would be better to support her dream than to tell her how I felt right before I confessed my feelings to her.”

Kiritani-sensei looked forlorn as he recalled those days.

Big dream in high school…!

“The person you like, Sensei, is by any chance—”

“Yeah. I was in love with Nanase. I think I’m still in love with her.”

In the middle of my words, Kiritani-sensei uttered this in a slightly embarrassed manner.

“Umm…Have you ever thought about visiting her?”

“In the U.S.? I can’t. I have work to do.”

Kiritani-sensei replied with a light laugh.

“I don’t want to disturb her during the most important time of her life, when she’s fulfilling her dream and having the time of her life.”

“I-I see…”

I honestly respected what Kiritani-sensei said.

There are people who could think about the people they love like this.

“I’m sorry, I’m getting a little sidetracked.”

He apologized and continued.

“I couldn’t tell the person I love how I felt about her, but Kenji-kun told the person you love how you felt about her, even if you disregarded the proper process. Maybe that encouraged me to feel a little bit stronger about helping you.”

“That’s how it was…”

Kiritani-sensei said in a calm tone, and I replied simply. …But as Sensei just said, my confession was not very praiseworthy because the process was bad.

“Well, I think it’s time for me to go home.”

Hearing this, I checked the time on my phone and saw that it had been an hour since Kiritani-sensei had arrived.

He prepared to leave and headed for the front door.

“Then, good luck tomorrow.”

“O-Oh. Umm… Kiritani-sensei, thank you.”

“No problem, bye.”

I began thinking as soon as Kiritani-sensei put his hand on the doorknob.

Now that I have changed, I was sure that he would never come to my house again.

If I choose not to go to school, there was a possibility that I would never see him again.

“Kiritani-sensei!”

I found myself calling his name.

“? What’s wrong?”

“Umm… Sensei saved my life.”

If it weren’t for Kiritani Sensei, I’d still be holed up in my house, turning my back on reality for the rest of my life.

Kiritani-sensei was my only savior.

So—

“Thank you for everything!”

I thanked him again with all my heart so that he would understand.

“Well, I’m glad I got to meet you, Kenji-kun.”

“Sensei…”

Kiritani-sensei’s words almost made me cry a little. Those few words really touched my heart.

“See you, Kenji-kun.”

“…Sensei, see you later.”

After exchanging a few words with each other, Kiritani-sensei opened the door and left.

He was a really good teacher. I would like to see him again if I could.

…But first, I have something I need to do.

“I need to decide my future plans.”

Until now, thinking about the future has only made me depressed, so I’ve tried not to think about it at all.

But now I was excited to think about the future.

This was all thanks to Kiritani-sensei.

Kiritani Kakeru-sensei — he really is the best teacher I’ve ever had.